Fast forward to this Sunday and I am sat in front of my laptop holding back emotions and tears because my Nana passed away early Friday morning after a huge stroke the night before. Many of my close friends will know that my Nana has always been such an incredibly strong lady, so, so healthy for her 88 years (we always joked how on earth a lady in her 80s was far healthier than her grand-daughter!!) but in the last 18 months she had suffered a few minor strokes and this caused a huge change to her in so many ways. My Nana hated being ill; her greatest joy in life was to participate in activities most adults loathe which has always made me smile such as gardening, cleaning etc! She loathed hospitals and she loathed being cared for. After her mini strokes she refused to take any medicines and this has been hard on my family as the role reversals had to change and we had to care for her and yet ever since I was little she had cared for me, and that was her happiest of times.
However her passing was still horrendous and devastating for me as whilst you know that someone who is not being treated for something will ultimately become ill again you're truly never prepared for it: ever. But it brings me great comfort that ultimately she did not suffer at the end and I am so thankful for that. I cared for both my Nana and Grandpa because she promised me that we would never ever send her to a home and I promised her with all my heart that as she cared for me I would too care for her, and I really am deeply comforted that they both led extremely happy years in our family home and both did not suffer too much.
I don't think I can bear to pour my heart out further because words and I don't and will never agree, so I will leave my thoughts here and my grief will be through my art as this is the only way I can express myself. But I do want to leave you all with a thought that has run through my mind for the last few days. My Nana was such a sensitive, kind, beautiful soul who was a highly skilled flower arranger, embroider and adored fashion as much as I do, but she never believed in herself and this always devastated me. Each day I tried so hard to make her believe me although I know she never did. So please let me just tell you this: You’re worth it, you're worthy of it all. I'm always reminded of something Nelson Mandela said: May your choices reflect your hopes, not your fears. And I know my Grandpa too instilled this believe in me. That is truly my wish for you all.
Thank you so much for all the kindest words I have received on Twitter as I spoke about this briefly there. Your kindest words have provided such warmth and comfort to me at this horrendous time and I'm so blessed to have an incredible network around me.
At this moment I need to be surrounded by my family. With that being said, I don't wish to see this post too long on the front page of my blog as it is far too painful for me, so I will be scheduling posts I have been working on previously.
Thanking you again so very, very much for your love and support.